Complete Company Training Fast!

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Company training?

Company mandatory courses?

Yes, you completed all of them in 2021. Why should you go through this hell over again in 2022? What has changed? Very little.

Why do it all over again? Because you work at a ‘big corporate’. I’m sorry, you don’t run your own cupcake store yet.

Cupcake store? Oh! You had planned to buy the oven with that 2022’s bonus… if only. That bonus isn’t happening unless you complete your 2022 mandated courses. Same old, same old, but you still have to do it. Again.

So here we are, but I have some good news. I have distilled the essence of completing all company training quizzes down to three simple principles. I promise you. No matter whether your training pertains to compliance, health and safety, or else, it works without fail.

Let’s cut to the chase and, as a bonus, I present sample questions and responses!

Principle #1: Company Policy is Always Right

Office Space

Isn’t this common sense? Well common sense is not so common.


The auditors told you that our company is in breach of a regulation. What or who should you trust?

☐ The auditors.
☐ The regulators.
☑ The company policy.


You come across a difficult situation and you are in doubt about the established operational procedures. What should you do?

☐ Use reason.
☐ Use common sense.
☑ Established procedures are there for a reason. Use those.


What does our company value the most?

☐ Original thinking.
☐ Independent thinking.
☑ The unquestionable abiding to policy.


If in doubt, what should you do?

☐ Trust your gut.
☐ Look up answers on Wikihow or 5 Minute Crafts YouTube videos.
☑ Follow the company policy.


Principle #2: Be a Snitch

Snithces get stiches

They say that our laws (in most of the West) stem from biblical morality principles. Not so in corporations.


Your colleague has done something against policy. What should you do?

☐ Pretend you don’t know what the policy is.
☐ Claim that the policy is unfair.
☑ Rat out your colleague.


You are unsure of who is responsible for a policy breach. What should you do?

☐ Tell nothing.
☐ Challenge the policy.
☑ Throw some of your colleagues under the bus.


What kind of person should you be as a co-worker?

☐ Be a good colleague and friend.
☐ Be professional.
☑ Be a snitch.


Colleague A told you that Colleague B did something wrong. What should be your reaction?

☐ None of my interest.
☐ Report Colleague B to the authorities.
☑ Report both Colleague A and Colleague B to the authorities.


A colleague told you something very private and secret, but potentially against company policy, what should you do?

☐ A secret is a secret.
☐ Keep it to myself.
☑ File a report and forward any written or recorded evidence.


You don’t have any proof but you suspect that your colleague may have done something wrong.

☐ Don’t take any action unless you know what they did is actually wrong.
☐ Don’t take any action unless you know whether they really did it.
☑ Report them first and figure out (A) and (B) later.


Principle #3: Don’t Kill Your Self

Zoolander: Petrol station scene

Yes. You are an expense, but for every ten dollars they pay you, your employer makes another three. So, no, killing yourself is not good for business.


The building is in flames. What should you do?

☐ Hide in the stationary area behind reams of paper.
☐ Take inspiration from Zoolander’s petrol station opening scene.
☑ Get the hell out.


The building is rapidly flooding. What should you do?

☐ Seek safety in the basement.
☐ Urgently plug your laptop and phone to any available socket.
☑ Call a rescue team.


Someone in the office seems to have caught a deadly virus. What should you do?

☐ Ask them to cough in front of you.
☐ Ask them to share their toothbrush with you after lunch.
☑ Take measures recommended by the local health authorities.


Tongue in cheek? Yes, but you got until here!. Happy 2022.

Ernie

P.S. I like blueberry ones.